10 Ways Losers Impress Girls

Guys have been doing dumbass things to impress the fairer sex since God first created Eve. So desperate are we to impress a certain woman that you start acting like a complete idiots...


These genius acts of seduction are in cronological order, so number 1 will be the absolute stupidest:

No.10 - Joining a band

So you stared up at a Jon Bon Jovi poster on your bedroom wall and daydreamed about how well he must do with the ladies – what with such a fine head of hair and such a nice shade of marbled denim. So you talked your old man into coughing up some funds for a few guitar lessons. And 10 years later you’re still crap and still dragging your friends along to sit through your excruciatingly painful gigs. And it’s not because you love music, it’s all because you thought it’d help you pick up. Nope

No.9 - Inflating Yourself

The only thing worse than the shy guy at the party is the shy guy who’s trying to act like the cool guy. If you’re shy, who cares? Run with it. You’ll look interesting. If you try too hard to act like the more confident guys around you -- because you think that’s what the girls will go for -- then you are underestimating their idiot radars. Unfortunately this isn’t something you can put on; some people are just more confident than others, but there’s nothing worse than someone acting like something they’re not.

No.7 - Lying

We’re not talking about the little white lies (number of sexual partners, anyone?), but more the whoppers that are inevitably going to unravel at some point and leave you red-faced and alone. Little details, like you are already seeing someone, are best out in the open. If you have to do it, keep your lies manageable and harmless, and trace back paths down which they might fail. Claiming to be a Wimbledon Tennis umpire is going to be a tricky one to back up, at least for one month every year.

No.6 - Taking her to places you know nothing about

The idea of a perfect date is to do an activity that is of interest to both parties. Under no circumstances should a guy stretch himself so far out of his comfort zone for the sake of a date that he leaves himself as transparent as glad-wrap. Example A: Don’t take a girl to an art exhibition if you have absolutely no interest in art and thus walk around the gallery sending texts to your mates about the loving that’s coming your way later that evening. Worst still would be to actually act like you know what you’re talking about – she’ll see straight through it

No.5 - Cooking when you're not good at it

They say that when it comes to cooking it’s really just the thought that counts. But tell that to the girl who’s eating raw chicken through a forced smile while her idiot date grins foolishly waiting for desert. If you know you’re useless in the kitchen then don’t offer to cook in order to impress a girl unless you can guarantee it’s impossible to screw up. If your date still thinks it’s the thought that counts when you serve up chicken and corn-flavoured Maggi noodles then she’s a keeper.

No.4 - Taking her to extreme sports

Date within your means. If your idea of an exciting day out is two-for-one beer jugs at the local Lawn Bowls Club, then maybe bungee jumping or sky diving isn’t quite your speed. Very few dates are worth your life. No dates are worth fainting, wetting your pants or vomiting on yourself. It’s not wise to try and impress a girl by pretending your alpha when you’re zeta at best -- you’ll only end up looking like the guy on the football field who stopped the play while the referee helped him look for his contact lens.

No.2 - Low riding your car

Guys who think a girl is going to lose her mind just because they’ve installed beaded seat covers in their Datsun -- welcome to our list. A car is the thing that gets you to the shops when it’s too far to walk and you couldn’t be bothered with public transport. The second you start thinking of it as a blank canvas for you to decorate your bogan mechanical art on, you’re done. Sure, get a nice stereo and one of those vanilla-scented Christmas trees for the rearview mirror but the words "custom bodykit" should only be used by a qualified mechanic.

No.2 - Wearing muscle T-shirts

If it’s Venice Beach in 1984 and you’re pumping iron while listening to Tone Loc, skip ahead; this doesn’t apply to you. For everyone else, do not under any circumstance fall into the misconception that a girl is going to go gaga for you just because you have the guns out and are offering free tickets. Great, you’re well built. Well done, you! If you must, take her to the beach and you’ll get in all the flexing you want. Otherwise, shirt please.

No.1 - Drinking too much

Who knows why it is that some blokes feel inclined to drink like they invented it whenever they’re trying to impress a new girl. Sure, the added confidence may let you get away with some lines your weaker self may have shied away from, but there’s a balance. Generally, the ballast to that balance is the point in which you’re in the bathroom screaming at the porcelain. OK, you’ve gone too far. Remember, all the good work your confidence spike gave you early in the night will be shattered by the image of you covered in vomit with a security guard under each arm.

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